“Big-She-Crazy-Me” Unafraid in the Astral !

As I have already mentioned in my other posts, my out of body experiences, especially the first ones, were no bed of roses. Reading my journal posts may even feel altogether terrifying. Well, after all, I was being attacked most of the times by not very friendly or benevolent entities, right? And if it had been a movie (horror movie for sure!) I would probably be squirming in my seat almost all of the time!

But not `SHE`!! This `she` who is `me`, this she/me in the astral would take no b…t, not for a second.
She would even go further and challenge these unfriendly entities out, and eventually have `energy fights` with them, or at other times she would try to enticingly talk to them about taking them to the Light, or at other times again she would say, rather shout, inspiring words to them such as `Love is God ` !!

In waking up, I could never believe my audacity `in there`! Nonetheless both the insane challenges and the beautiful statements of Love never failed to blow my mind away!
Was I really saying those things? Was I really doing those things? How could she be really me … and yet she was! I just couldn’t wrap my scattered brains around the fact that this she/me in there was always so strong, so fearless, and yes, courageous almost to the point of recklessness.

I started calling her the Big/She/Crazy/Me, because that was the only definition that could come close to describing her.
There was this huge gap between the she/me in there, and the little me in the awake/normal world. For truly inexplicable reasons, she never seemed to be afraid of what, according to my saner and more sensible little self ( 🙂 ), she should. She simply seemed to know that these `things` had no power over her.

And how can I explain this … in a way, it always felt like she was on a true mission that I didn’t seem to understand well. But I owe her a lot, actually I owe her more than I could ever say; the fact that she always remained focused and not scared at all by these inexplicable attacks really saved my mind.
And I truly mean this. You see, this kind of experiences, if they become extreme, as they became for me in 2007 during an illness that left me bed-ridden for three months, can really lead to mental insanity.

2007 was actually my fourth year of out of body experiences, although I didn`t understand what they were yet (and although, mind you!, not all OBEs are scary experiences!!). And in that summer I found myself in desperate need for help. Possibly because of my illness and subsequent low physical energy, I really can’t say for sure, my OBEs became uncontrollable and full of bullying attacks, like every night and of the spookiest sort. And for the first and only time Big/She/Crazy/Me seemed not to be able to cope too well. (and I will talk about this in more details in future posts; it needs to be talked about)

Honestly, if I had not had my family and my spiritual beliefs to support and anchor me, it could have really proved to be more than my mind could endure. Of course the best help and quickest solution would have been to have somebody explain it to me. But I didn’t have that good fortune until 2009.

In point of fact, and I remember this very clearly, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind during those dreadful three months of astral bully was `Oh! The poor people in the loony!`.
I just couldn’t help thinking how maybe many of the poor people confined to such places could have really been merely hearing and seeing things that others couldn’t, exactly as I was. And I could too easily understand how without support, they may have gone mad. But I was sure I was NOT INSANE. I was sure there was something else going on, something I could not control or understand well enough to logically and rationally explain to others (or to myself for that). But I was a grounded person and I had a sound and no-nonsensical mind, and I absolutely knew I was not a nut case for the mad-house!

Amongst all this, the blessing was that my family, in spite of the fact that they could not of course understand what was really going on, trusted my judgment and helped me recover physically, which turned out to be all I needed for Big/She/Crazy/Me to get back her strength and blow the astral bullies away. And this is not a metaphor! In my first OBE after getting back on my feet, she literally blew them away … from the palm of her hand … a soft blow and they dispersed! It was a glorious day ! 
As strength came back, I found myself able to control my fear better, especially since my best ally, this strong she/me, seemed to be back and thriving again.
From this experience I came to the conclusion that a debilitated and weak physical self does not help in the astral. But I may be totally wrong here, and it may be different for each person.

Well, fear cannot be erased totally in one stroke, but with the passing of years and the gathering of more knowledge it did gradually subside. I became more confident and more used to the astral phenomena and, most of all, I took part in one of William Buhlman`s workshops, and that made a huge difference. I finally understood what was happening, and knew what to do ! Knowledge is power indeed.

One last but important consideration before closing is that, beside the help of my family, one really BIG element played a great part in helping me stay sane and overcome fear during those experiences. It was this strong sense of spirituality, profound spirituality that, despite all, I could feel present there, although it eluded me in its greatness. And I will be talking about this for sure in my next posts. It is a huge and often underrated and maybe not enough appreciated aspect of the OOB experience.

Click on the image to read about Foal and the Angels on Amazon.

Foal and the Angels

Interview with Foal and the Angels, by Denise Barry

wild_garlic_denham_woods Photography by RACHEL BURCH http://www.rachelburchphotography.com/

This post will not be about OBEs, but about my little, beloved book, FOAL and the Angels. After reading it, Denise Barry contacted me and asked me if we could do an interview. I was on cloud nine…it was FOAL`s first interview ever! I really enjoyed doing it and am forever grateful to Denise for this (please go check Denise Barry`s info at the bottom of this page! she is an incredible inspirational writer and children`s books author:-) )

So here is how Denise starts, before getting into the interview itself (I LOVE how she writes!) :

Have you ever met a complete stranger and felt an instant liking for them? Maybe you can’t put a finger on why though. Was it their smile? Was it something they said? Could you have known them in a past life?

Who knows! There’s just a connection we share with certain people, and it doesn’t happen often.

This is how I felt when I met my friend “FOAL”. The crazy thing is that I actually haven’t met her in person yet, since she lives in Japan and I live in New York. We were in an international online meditation group together and chatted via Facebook here and there, so the connection we made was only through the written word. I guess “voices carry” through sheer energy!

As it turns out, she became one of the most influential people in my life.

How can someone I never even met in person have such an impact in my life?

Well, I learned that by following my intuition, I draw good things into my life. Because I felt a connection to “FOAL”, when she asked me to like her Facebook page she had set up for a book she wrote, I did. That was easy enough, of course. What’s one click going to cost me anyway? But I took it a step further, thinking I was being nice and wanting to do her a favor – I actually bought the book from Amazon! And then, I read it!

Wow, this was above and beyond the call of duty from one stranger to another!

By the time I finished reading her book (I couldn’t put it down and read it in 3 nights!) I felt completely humbled. It was she who had done me the favor.

Her book rang of Truth. Make that boomed…it boomed of Truth. I literally devoured every single word, because each one mattered. Each word resonated through me like the vibration of a drum. It was everything I was looking for, without knowing what it was I was looking for. Something within me shifted and I saw Life in a different way. It became much clearer, things made more sense, I felt safe. All the things I was confused about; what It’s all about, why we suffer, are we alone, does any of this mean anything….so many questions! It was a balm for my mind and soul.

I’ve been inspired to step outside of my comfort zone because of this new shift inside of me and am starting a project I’ve only dreamed of in the past! I feel like I have nothing to lose anymore! It involves my first love and will require an enormous amount of work! (I will share soon!).

Like Martin Luther King Jr., “FOAL” had a dream….but literally. And many of them. It is based on her actual experience.

When I asked her why she shared her experience and what she hopes others will gain from it, she said, “you have no idea how I hope for it to be read by as many people as possible. And not because it is self- gratifying, but just because I know I must share it, I know it has an intrinsic power to heal and help, and such power doesn’t come from me. It could be so easily used as a tool to understand life better, to understand oneself better and to realize there is a possibility to communicate with this other dimension that is within us”.

I would like you to hear more about this book as it should be told; in “FOAL’s” voice. My hope is that you will benefit from it as much as I have….

heart of an angel

An Interview with the author of “FOAL and the Angels” 

DB: You wrote a book, “FOAL and the Angels”, based on your own experiences. Kind of a spiritual journey, so to speak?

Author: Yes! Throughout a number of years I had dreams, and in these dreams I was given insights and intensive lessons on the meaning of life.

What I describe in the book is almost exactly how it happened, or at least how it was felt and registered in my mind. Nothing could be truer to me than this experience; nothing could be more real to me. It was an intensive course of wisdom, imparted through dreams, messages, and voices. I call it “Angels School” because I was being guided by what can only be called Angels.

I chose to speak through “FOAL”, a little boy who wants answers to the mysteries of Life! All of his ten thousand questions get answered through the unfolding of his dreams. This is a fairytale. But a true one.

DB: Why do you think you had these dreams? Why were you “the one”? Do you feel special?

Author: No, no, no! I was never the ONE!! That is exactly what I wanted to avoid! That is why I chose the fairytale format and a pseudonym. I didn’t want it to be about the messenger, but the MESSAGE.

I am FOAL. So are you. FOAL can be anyone!

This can sound a bit trite and cliché, but really, and I mean, REALLY, there is such possibility of contact with other dimensions in all and each one of us. It is all about listening, and honing that listening.

At the end of the day, (you don’t even need to give the Angels a name if it doesn’t agree with you), you can call it the voice of your conscience, the little voice inside, that everybody has. Even atheists!

And if it happened to a person like me, not in the least special (a.k.a. FOAL), it can happen to anybody. That is the message I wanted to convey.

As for why I started receiving those dreams when I did, that is something I am still far from understanding. I assume, and only assume, it is for karmic reasons. Some bigger picture that I cant see, I guess.

DB: When you began having the dreams what made you realize they were important?

Author: Well, that was not difficult. When you have these kinds of powerful dreams, they become to you more real than ‘real’ life itself. You don’t just see the dream, you experience it. There is no way you can doubt it.

And there were so many more stunningly beautiful dreams than I could ever put into Foal`s story. At times I would have 5 or 6 dreams per night; it was exhausting, but always exhilarating. I remember a few times I wished I could sleep 24 hours a day just to be able to dream!

On the other hand, the doubt/problems arose with the messages and voices in my head while I was awake. There I had a hard time casting my doubts away. The thought that it could be all just in my head, pure imagination, was always there. Although at the end it didn’t matter anymore. They were real enough to me, and what I was hearing was just too profoundly wise and beautiful to come from me.

But even after making peace with myself, to make the decision of sharing this with others…well, THAT was a big, big obstacle to overcome, and it took me many years to get there.

DB: How has this experience changed you and your life?

Author: Well, although the sense of Bliss and perfection does fade away, the realization of the ‘knowing’ inside stays and this I can’t explain. I don’t think I have any doubt anymore about our true selves or life after death. I see the world in another way now, definitely, and I do feel I have a deeper understanding of Life, but no, I am not saved from my ego. The lessons continue, I will fall again into its daily traps, but there is some more `noticing` on my part, or how can I say…a becoming more conscious about how I want to live.

DB: Are you afraid to die? Were you afraid before these dreams occurred?

Author: Not really to die, but I am definitely afraid of pain. So yes, I do fear a painful dying process, but not death itself. Not anymore.

DB: Who/What do you feel orchestrated these experiences?

Author: How could I know!! Maybe ‘we’ do, before incarnating!

I understand how it would be intriguing to know who orchestrated this, but I don’t feel it is so important to know now. They just happened and that is what I must focus on.

DB: Do you believe in God? If not, what?

Author: Oh, yes! That, I do!

DB: Did you believe in something different before the dreams?

Author: I was raised Catholic, so I shared many of the Church`s beliefs, although I questioned many of those very beliefs for many years. But after the dreams and voices, I felt liberated by many unnecessary rules. All seemed to be so much more simple.

DB: Do you think our existence as a human being is an illusion? Is this life an illusion?

Author: I am in no position to give you a correct answer to that. Maybe a sort of dream?? Or a reverse out-of-body experience?? An ‘into-body’ experience?! Or experiencing existence in another dimension??

But really these are just thoughts, and am not sure I believe them myself.

You know, I am not really that much interested anymore in what I believe, but rather in taking what comes as it comes, and experiencing it and appreciating it. But most of all, in trying not to ‘label’ experiences into beliefs!

Beliefs can change, the experience remains. What I mean is: whatever I (or you or anybody else) may believe about this experience, the experience would not change anyway, would remain a part of my life.

DB: Do you live any differently than before the dreams? Are you calmer, happier, less confused about things? ARE YOU ENLIGHTENED, like the Buddha?

Author: You must be kidding me! Enlightened! NO! But I know now that that is what I am seeking. Or at least to get as close to it as I can. And, yes, less confused, certainly.

DB: The illustrations on your Facebook page are beautiful…did you do them?

Author: No, my friend and artist, Andy Boerger, made them for me. I really wanted my readers to have an idea of how I saw ‘things’ in my dreams, so I thought the only way I could communicate visually with FOAL`s readers was to post on Facebook these beautiful pictures.

I set up a FOAL and the Angels fan page for this reason.

Nevertheless, however good the pictures may be, this reality cannot compare with ‘that’ one. The colors are so much more ‘alive’ in there, with a life of its own. And the sense of Love exuding from everything is ‘unspeakable’ and ‘un-paintable’.

DB: Before we close, is there anything more you want to say to our friends?

Author: OK…I can’t say of course if it will live up to your expectations, but I can say it is an easy read, it will flow smoothly, yet at the same time will make you stop to ponder on the simple “down-to-earth-and-up-to-the-sky” wisdom so gently imparted (of course this is the part which is not mine, the Angels` part!). I do not have such wisdom in myself…). It helped me a lot in living my life, and my greatest hope is that it may help you too in some unfathomable ways.

It is a story of how dreams and ‘messages’ led me on a spiritual journey. I felt this need to put it out in the world, not because it is unique, which it’s not (all these things must have been said over and over again in the centuries), but because it is so un-academic in style, that just anybody can easily read it and possibly gain some drops of wisdom out of it … just as I did. And my final words would be : “Looking forward to your feedback!!”.

DB: “FOAL”, I thank you for touching my life so deeply, with your words and your presence. Much Love, Denise


Denise Barry is an inspirational writer and author. Her new children’s book What Does the Tooth Fairy Do with Our Teeth? is available now.
Denise loves writing for kids because she thinks like one, and what else is there to do during the wintry months in Buffalo, NY where she lives with her husband, two kids and dog?
Denise is also a co-writer in the best-selling book Watch Her Thrive: Stories of Hope, Courage and Strength, and you can find her essays on high traffic websites like positivelypostiive.com, manifeststation.com, notsalmon.com, empoweringparents.com, dirtygirlmudrun, etc.
To learn more about Denise visit her website at http://www.denisebarry.net
Click on the image to read about Foal and the Angels on Amazon.

Foal and the Angels

Deciphering the Mystery of OBE-s

1476401_673797325993702_1556570698_n photography by RONALD SIERA

My first experiences of unsolicited and totally out of control astral projections left me scared, puzzled and confused to the extreme. Not understanding what this phenomenon was and not daring to tell anyone for lack of words or maybe for abundance of fear, I found myself spending more and more time alone trying to figure out the whole thing and considering what my future perspectives were. What was this? a sign of impending disease, or an early sign of dementia? If something else, will I be able to control it one day? Will I be able to overcome the fear I always feel in waking up? Will this go on happening forever? And, by the way, most of all, for God`s sake, what IS this ???

Well, these were but a few of the perturbing questions that were afflicting my mind some ten years ago when all this started. And my mind would be buzzing all day and night with this impenetrable and inexplicable thought `They are not dreams, but I am asleep.`…  How can I move if I am asleep?  Hamlet`s dilemma seemed small in comparison to mine.

In order to cope better with my lack of understanding and ensuing fear, I knew I had to provide these mysterious occurrences with some sort of reference or identity. Yes, I needed to classify them as best , or as worst, I could. So I decided to give them a name and came up with the term “physical dreams”. Physical because they were so tangible, and dreams because, if I was asleep, what else could I call them?

I also knew that, to pacify my befuddled mind so it could come to terms with its very perplexed self, I had to find an explanation of some sort … of any sort.  I thought I may start by trying to find a recurrent pattern, like maybe it was something in my diet or in my daily life that was triggering them, but, for the love of me, I couldn’t. It all seemed so without any plan or structure. I had noticed though, that, despite the dissimilarities, in each and every one of them there were definitely elements in common.  So I decided to try to single out these elements and make a list, and then see if I could come up with some sort of answer closer  to my intellectual appreciation.

And so I did. I made a list of these repeating elements and also added a few personal reflections on what were my feelings and perceptions when I was `in there` (sorry for this poor and inadequate description of other dimensions, but at that time I didn’t know any better…). And I called it `the Shift`.  Here is what I wrote:


1. Unlike normal dreams, I am always in my bed (when it starts), usually same position I fell asleep.

2. I am aware I am asleep but move around with what seems to be my body (which is  supposed to be asleep in bed). 

3. 90% of the times it happens right after I go to bed (around midnight). Feels like: I close my eyes, I open my eyes and there I am.

4. The air feels thick, different, oppressive feeling. Many times  at first it takes me a lot of energy to start moving my limbs. Like cutting through thick, dense, almost solid air. Feeling of being pressed down by heavy air or … energy??  Yet sometimes I can move at lightning speed ! and can touch and move things around and feel everything as if I were touching them with my physical body (which can`t be , because I can see me asleep…)

5. I am totally conscious and focused, more than I am in normal/awake life.

6. Gap between this `me` in there, and the usual `me` is profound.

7. This she/me seems to be much more powerful  than my `usual` me, doesn`t seem to be afraid of what I would actually be terrified of.

8. I don’t seem to be afraid in there, but I am in waking up. don’t want to fall asleep again (because I know I would be drawn back `in there` in the split of a second).

My mind loved making the list. I guess it felt a bit as if it was back in control, but not for long. Come next `Shift`, and everything was out of control again. So what was I able to make out of the list? Absolutely nothing. I was back to square one. I had no clue. But I knew it was imperative I found a way out from , if not these occurrences, at least, from the fear. Or I may lose my mind.

P.S. In my next posts, for those interested, I `ll speak more specifically about the sense of dread that can be present in the astral and how I coped with it. And how eventually I overcame my fear.

Click on the image to read about Foal and the Angels on Amazon.

Foal and the Angels

So how did the Angels come by and whisper in my head ??


Well, this is a tricky subject, because many people don’t believe in Angels or in the possibility that they talk to us in various ways.
Yet, I must report the experience how it happened or, if you prefer, how it was felt and lived by me.
In my book FOAL and the Angels I wrote about how dreams and messages from the Angels led me on a spiritual path and on adventures (…spiritual adventures :-)) I would never have thought possible.
I called it Angels` school, simply and mainly because I happen to come from a Christian country and tradition, but this is just a word, like many others, and I dare say it is most certainly not how `they` call themselves when they communicate with each other . Besides, if I were Muslim, or Hindu or Shintoist, I would be calling it in a different way anyhow.
I think that every culture on this earth has a particular name for these `essences` or `energy beings` or whatever terminology we may like to use when referring to what/who generally goes by the term of `Angels`.
Maybe they have no name, or maybe they have names that we cannot even actually pronounce, or cannot even start to imagine, because they are so out of our dimension of life that we cannot fathom their true reality…
But however we may call them, my personal experience taught me that they can and actually are willing to communicate with us, if we open our hearts up, and leave the doubts behind.
And this is what is most important of all.

So, going back to our title, ‘How did the Angels come by and whisper in my head ??`, I don’t even remember exactly how it started, but I do recall it was just a few words at first. Then maybe more acceptance on my part made it possible for the deluge of words to start cascading into my sleepy head. And when I say deluge, I actually mean it. I was being overwhelmed with sentence after sentence of such beauty and wisdom I knew it could not possibly come from my own messed-up mind. And these words whispered in my head by unfathomable Beings were literally cascading in my mind at such speed that I had a hard time keeping up writing all down. At times I was compelled to skip words, just to be able to catch the next sentence.
Every night, I would arm myself with pen and paper, and, groggily lying down on my bed, would wait for the symphony to start. And together with the words, the feeling of Love, of great, warm Love would pour in. It was more beautiful than I could ever tell, and yet, more times than I care to remember, I fell asleep on that very notebook with only but a few sentences jotted down, just for waking up in the morning bashing myself for my ludicrous inadequacy. The regret I always felt for having lost some of the angelic words was more than I could sometimes bear.
It was impossible or at least inconceivable to me that all these words of pages and pages and pages of transcended sublime Love could have come from my own little-and-not-so-wise mind. Or well, if they had (and who am I to say ??!!), it must then be from that part of us who is an Angel or close in essence to an Angel, what I hear is often called The Higher Self.

But in spite of all this, in spite of all the beauty, of all the Love and wisdom, doubts found a way in.
Doubts always find a way in, it seems, and inevitably flooded my mind and sometimes overwhelmed my senses. And that was pure misery. I felt lost and afraid I would not be able or allowed to hear the `words ` again. But a pure heart asking humbly for help is never ignored by such Beings. Despite the utmost inadequacy of my meager self, despite all the doubts crippling me at times, `they` still kept coming in.

I did insert many of these messages in my book FOAL and the Angels, yet they are but a tiny fragment of the thousands of pages I actually wrote down in the span of 6-7 years.
That was the time when, together with these angelic messages, I started to have totally unexpected out of body experiences and dreams, dreams, dreams…exquisite dreams, the most impossibly beautiful dreams. It was 2004, and all the wonder I was left with, after the beauty of the dreams and the insanity of the OBEs faded, well, all that wonder led me to a spiritual awakening that changed my life for sure.

Click on the image to read about Foal and the Angels on Amazon.

Foal and the Angels