As I have already mentioned in my other posts, my out of body experiences, especially the first ones, were no bed of roses. Reading my journal posts may even feel altogether terrifying. Well, after all, I was being attacked most of the times by not very friendly or benevolent entities, right? And if it had been a movie (horror movie for sure!) I would probably be squirming in my seat almost all of the time!
But not `SHE`!! This `she` who is `me`, this she/me in the astral would take no b…t, not for a second.
She would even go further and challenge these unfriendly entities out, and eventually have `energy fights` with them, or at other times she would try to enticingly talk to them about taking them to the Light, or at other times again she would say, rather shout, inspiring words to them such as `Love is God ` !!
In waking up, I could never believe my audacity `in there`! Nonetheless both the insane challenges and the beautiful statements of Love never failed to blow my mind away!
Was I really saying those things? Was I really doing those things? How could she be really me … and yet she was! I just couldn’t wrap my scattered brains around the fact that this she/me in there was always so strong, so fearless, and yes, courageous almost to the point of recklessness.
I started calling her the Big/She/Crazy/Me, because that was the only definition that could come close to describing her.
There was this huge gap between the she/me in there, and the little me in the awake/normal world. For truly inexplicable reasons, she never seemed to be afraid of what, according to my saner and more sensible little self ( 🙂 ), she should. She simply seemed to know that these `things` had no power over her.
And how can I explain this … in a way, it always felt like she was on a true mission that I didn’t seem to understand well. But I owe her a lot, actually I owe her more than I could ever say; the fact that she always remained focused and not scared at all by these inexplicable attacks really saved my mind.
And I truly mean this. You see, this kind of experiences, if they become extreme, as they became for me in 2007 during an illness that left me bed-ridden for three months, can really lead to mental insanity.
2007 was actually my fourth year of out of body experiences, although I didn`t understand what they were yet (and although, mind you!, not all OBEs are scary experiences!!). And in that summer I found myself in desperate need for help. Possibly because of my illness and subsequent low physical energy, I really can’t say for sure, my OBEs became uncontrollable and full of bullying attacks, like every night and of the spookiest sort. And for the first and only time Big/She/Crazy/Me seemed not to be able to cope too well. (and I will talk about this in more details in future posts; it needs to be talked about)
Honestly, if I had not had my family and my spiritual beliefs to support and anchor me, it could have really proved to be more than my mind could endure. Of course the best help and quickest solution would have been to have somebody explain it to me. But I didn’t have that good fortune until 2009.
In point of fact, and I remember this very clearly, one of the first thoughts that crossed my mind during those dreadful three months of astral bully was `Oh! The poor people in the loony!`.
I just couldn’t help thinking how maybe many of the poor people confined to such places could have really been merely hearing and seeing things that others couldn’t, exactly as I was. And I could too easily understand how without support, they may have gone mad. But I was sure I was NOT INSANE. I was sure there was something else going on, something I could not control or understand well enough to logically and rationally explain to others (or to myself for that). But I was a grounded person and I had a sound and no-nonsensical mind, and I absolutely knew I was not a nut case for the mad-house!
Amongst all this, the blessing was that my family, in spite of the fact that they could not of course understand what was really going on, trusted my judgment and helped me recover physically, which turned out to be all I needed for Big/She/Crazy/Me to get back her strength and blow the astral bullies away. And this is not a metaphor! In my first OBE after getting back on my feet, she literally blew them away … from the palm of her hand … a soft blow and they dispersed! It was a glorious day !
As strength came back, I found myself able to control my fear better, especially since my best ally, this strong she/me, seemed to be back and thriving again.
From this experience I came to the conclusion that a debilitated and weak physical self does not help in the astral. But I may be totally wrong here, and it may be different for each person.
Well, fear cannot be erased totally in one stroke, but with the passing of years and the gathering of more knowledge it did gradually subside. I became more confident and more used to the astral phenomena and, most of all, I took part in one of William Buhlman`s workshops, and that made a huge difference. I finally understood what was happening, and knew what to do ! Knowledge is power indeed.
One last but important consideration before closing is that, beside the help of my family, one really BIG element played a great part in helping me stay sane and overcome fear during those experiences. It was this strong sense of spirituality, profound spirituality that, despite all, I could feel present there, although it eluded me in its greatness. And I will be talking about this for sure in my next posts. It is a huge and often underrated and maybe not enough appreciated aspect of the OOB experience.
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